my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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