I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
