you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
