you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
