The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
