Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
