four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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