Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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