And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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