Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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