remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
