Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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