the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
