I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
