I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
my being single is dangerous.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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