Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
