So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
