I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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