you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
