guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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