I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
