So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
