it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
