her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
