FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
