Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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