Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
