Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
