This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
