I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just blew my weed a kiss
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
