I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
