my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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