woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
