I hate your face
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
