Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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