The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
