the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
