I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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