Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
