I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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