Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
