I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
