i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
