haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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