why didn't you poke me back
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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