His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
