My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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