if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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