dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
