Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
