at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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