she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife đŹ
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He sang the chorus to âInside of youâ by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldnât even be mad, that probably took talent
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